November 12, 2017
You know it’s funny how often I get here at 0’dark thirty everyday and ponder the meaning of my BBQ Joint existence…
Like last night, as my head hit the pillow, ready to dream a little dream, I was startled back to reality as The Boy (aka my son) called me and said that our smoker (you know, that thing I attempt to make money with) had a busted frannistat or something…
So I pull on my pants and shoes sans socks (with no socks nearby, clean or otherwise, I slipped on my work shoes and secretly delighted in the refreshing feeling of BBQ Sauce oozing between my toes), threw on my trusty Snap On™ jacket and ran out to Cecil The Diesel and hot footed it up to the joint wondering what in tarnation was going on with Chris Moneymaker. (Yes, folks, I named my smoker “Chris Moneymaker” after the 2003 World Series of Poker Main Event Winner… He had tremendous odds to overcome to become a World Champion. I was kinda hoping his good juju would rub off on me… So far? Not so much…)
Getting here, I was told what was going on and set to work inspecting the smoker’s operation. Everything SEEMED to be working properly, so I sent the crew on home. And so as I prepared to call it a false alarm and head back home to my pillow, I heard a CLUNK.
Folks, after my 38 years as a PRO-fessional Mechanic, I have learned there are 2 things in life you should never, EVER ignore:
1. An angry “Wife with a Knife”… especially mine. She may only be 5 foot nuthin’ but I hear tell Nukes are pretty small too…and they pretty much work the same way: one second everything is hunky-dory then, the next, there’s nothing but a big hole in the ground and complete devastation as far as the eye can see.
And 2, Things that go CLUNK when they shouldn’t go CLUNK during “Normal Operation”.
While not normally as bad or as expensive as a BANG or, even worse, a KABLOOEY!!!!!!, CLUNK is not something you really want to hear after having gone home for the day after a 14 hour day only to be called back 2 hours later.
Something else I learned is what I refer to as Troy’s 8th Law of Mechanical Repair: No matter what tools you think you’ll need to do ANY repair, you never actually bring the actual tools you will actually need to repair what actually broke.
Thus, in my haste to have all my possible bases covered I had thrown every imaginable tool that MIGHT REMOTELY be needed right along with my handy-dandy Lincoln™ Arc Welder in the back of Cecil The Diesel and then forgot to toss my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet in… which just figures…right?
Anyway, I found that the auger which auto feeds fuel to the fire box in the smoker had snapped a spot weld and was feeding fuel only sporadically. This was the CLUNK I had heard – it would get in a bind, feed a bit of fuel but then CLUNK as it felt resistance and stop turning with the auger shaft. OK, not a huge deal, but a pain in the butt to deal with considering I had a full load of expensive meats started and I really can’t just let ‘em go…
So I get my aforementioned handy-dandy Lincoln™ Arc Welder in the back of Cecil The Diesel out and set it up. 30 minutes, 45 minutes tops and I can get back in my comfy chair and fall asleep to Peter Ustinov narrating some show about Soviet Mig-27s (NATO codenamed “Flogger”) during the Cold War…
So, I got the auger stripped, cleaned and prepped for welding and I flipped my head several times to get my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet to drop down.
Then, like an idiot, I realized, “HEY!!! DUMBASS!!! You don’t have your trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet on, you freakin’ bonehead!!!!” Yes, I must have looked like ruby breasted BBQ Boobie flipping my head up and down, while on my knees staring at a stainless steel auger holding my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welder’s welding gun in my hand…
Well, hell… Troy’s 8th Law of Mechanical Repair strikes again…
I really did THINK about going home and grabbing it…
Do you know how hard it is to close your eyes and turn your head while trying to lay a good “bead” with a wire feed welder???
To make a long story dull, I laid what is quite possibly the ugliest bird poop-looking weld in the history of mankind, womankind, and everyone else-kind. But I tested it with a 3 pound sledge hammer and it held nicely, so there you go…
Funny how I could remember to throw a 3 pound sledge hammer in the tool bag and not grab my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet…
Anyway, I reassembled everything, double-checked that everything was working smoothly and called it a night.
So just to be thorough, I figured, upon returning home I had better find my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet and throw it in Cecil The Diesel so I would be able to clean up the “Weld from Hell” on Maintenance Monday.
Bad move.
Seems I had left my trusty Lincoln™ Arc Welding Auto-Darkening Welding Helmet in one of my other cars. Seems that, in true Ghost Adventures™ form, it somehow unscrewed one side of the headband that the helmet pivots on, all by itself…or shall I say some unseen force of a non-human nature decided to mess with my stuff? These things just don’t unscrew themselves, ya know… Trust me, these things are a pain in the butt to unscrew when you really want it to!!!
Thus comes into play Troy’s 4th Law of Mechanical Repair: That Tool you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HAVE is broken. Also Troy’s 7th Law of Mechanical Repair: Toolboxes have big damn locks for a reason but the second anyone or anything notices your tools are unsecured said tools will get “borrowed”, screwed with or put in a place you would never in a million years think to look for them at.
”Open a BBQ joint,” they said.
”You’ll do fine,” they said.
”You’ll make money,” they said.
By the way, Troy’s 1st Law of Mechanical Repair:
An opinion is worth exactly how much you paid for it…